I’ve been doing some very serious everything. Thinking, exploring, reading, working.

On May 21st, almost immediately after graduating college, I moved to Long Beach, California. It seemed like the perfect time to get out of my comfort zone and do something drastic since I had nothing holding me back. I didn’t expect it to be easy, and it hasn’t been. I thought of it more as a fresh start and a learning experience. I’ve learned that I’ve relied too much on others for happiness in the past, which I never realized before considering I’m a person that values my solitude. But there’s a difference between wanting to be alone and being forced to be alone. On my days off I’ve been getting on the train and exploring different areas of LA, which has kept me somewhat sane. A book recommended by a former professor during school has been valuable in learning to cope with situations that comes my way, and the emotions that come with them. The last few weeks here, I’ve experienced the most negative feelings I’ve ever had, but also learned to absorb them in a non-judgmental, neutral way. The main reason I haven’t been blogging about this whole experience as I intended to is because of “I.” Writing a long entry and using the word “I” really turns me off. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to come off self-centered to the internet. But it’s time to get over that. One thing that I know for sure gives me some fulfillment is sharing music, talking about it, and connecting with it. It’s difficult to do this here considering I don’t have people around me to bond with. Also, because it sounds so damn cheesy and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate cheesiness.

Certain albums I’ve listened to at certain times in certain locations have been a huge help. Last Monday at about 10:30pm after getting off the train from work, I listened to El-P’s ‘I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead’ on the walk to my house. Something about the darkness and the visuals of Anaheim Street fit so well with the sounds of this album. It’s not the most cheerful of sounds or sights, but I found myself grinning so hard as I walked. It was magical.

It seems like I should have some sort of point or conclusion to this, but I don’t. Or maybe it’s that you should walk around at night in a not so nice area of a city and listen to this album.

Advertisements

A friend of mine found this letter and sent it to me when I was in a serious art rut. I already adored Sol Lewitt, but this is a seriously incredible read.

Dear Eva,

It will be almost a month since you wrote to me and you have possibly forgotten your state of mind (I doubt it though). You seem the same as always, and being you, hate every minute of it. Don’t! Learn to say “Fuck You” to the world once in a while. You have every right to. Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, grasping, confusing, itchin, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, numbling, rumbling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting, hair-splitting, nit-picking, piss-trickling, nose sticking, ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger-pointing, alleyway-sneaking, long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching, grinding, grinding, grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just DO!

From your description, and from what I know of your previous work and you [sic] ability; the work you are doing sounds very good “Drawing-clean-clear but crazy like machines, larger and bolder… real nonsense.” That sounds fine, wonderful – real nonsense. Do more. More nonsensical, more crazy, more machines, more breasts, penises, cunts, whatever – make them abound with nonsense. Try and tickle something inside you, your “weird humor.” You belong in the most secret part of you. Don’t worry about cool, make your own uncool. Make your own, your own world. If you fear, make it work for you – draw & paint your fear and anxiety. And stop worrying about big, deep things such as “to decide on a purpose and way of life, a consistant [sic] approach to even some impossible end or even an imagined end” You must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO!

I have much confidence in you and even though you are tormenting yourself, the work you do is very good. Try to do some BAD work – the worst you can think of and see what happens but mainly relax and let everything go to hell – you are not responsible for the world – you are only responsible for your work – so DO IT. And don’t think that your work has to conform to any preconceived form, idea or flavor. It can be anything you want it to be. But if life would be easier for you if you stopped working – then stop. Don’t punish yourself. However, I think that it is so deeply engrained in you that it would be easier to DO!

It seems I do understand your attitude somewhat, anyway, because I go through a similar process every so often. I have an “Agonizing Reappraisal” of my work and change everything as much as possible = and hate everything I’ve done, and try to do something entirely different and better. Maybe that kind of process is necessary to me, pushing me on and on. The feeling that I can do better than that shit I just did. Maybe you need your agony to accomplish what you do. And maybe it goads you on to do better. But it is very painful I know. It would be better if you had the confidence just to do the stuff and not even think about it. Can’t you leave the “world” and “ART” alone and also quit fondling your ego. I know that you (or anyone) can only work so much and the rest of the time you are left with your thoughts. But when you work or before your work you have to empty you [sic] mind and concentrate on what you are doing. After you do something it is done and that’s that. After a while you can see some are better than others but also you can see what direction you are going. I’m sure you know all that. You also must know that you don’t have to justify your work – not even to yourself. Well, you know I admire your work greatly and can’t understand why you are so bothered by it. But you can see the next ones and I can’t. You also must believe in your ability. I think you do. So try the most outrageous things you can – shock yourself. You have at your power the ability to do anything.

I would like to see your work and will have to be content to wait until Aug or Sept. I have seen photos of some of Tom’s new things at Lucy’s. They are impressive – especially the ones with the more rigorous form: the simpler ones. I guess he’ll send some more later on. Let me know how the shows are going and that kind of stuff.

My work had changed since you left and it is much better. I will be having a show May 4 -9 at the Daniels Gallery 17 E 64yh St (where Emmerich was), I wish you could be there. Much love to you both.

Sol

I made this piece (Sweet Baby Girl) in my first semester of advanced sculpture, before I knew of his work. Afterwards, I found out about Lewitt’s Incomplete Cubes.

1. Sweet Baby Girl 2 1. Sweet Baby Girl

The semester starts a week from today. This year is going to be astronomically different than all of the time I’ve been in school here.  To help myself out, I’m compiling a list of rules/ideas for myself.

-Don’t seek approval or praise

-Never repeat yourself

-Be content with occasional failure

-Allow yourself to relinquish control

-The amount you want to give vs. the level of effort required to receive the work

-When to let go vs. when to hold on

-When to think vs. when to act

-More/less concern with the object

to be continued..

Last night I worked a double. I closed the bar and got home at 3:41 am. After that I was far too awake to go to sleep, so I decided to finish painting my living room, something I’ve been meaning to for months. Eventually I got tired and went to bed, but as I was laying, I had this feeling of being so small.

What I mean by that is difficult to explain. I felt physically small (I’m an average sized person, but it has nothing to do with that,) compared to my bed, my apartment, the building, etc. I felt so insignificant and just small. I was completely sober. I just can’t get over that strange fleeting feeling, and why I felt it when I did.

“My New Year’s revolution’s gonna be to stop burning bridges
I’m just gonna bend them towards the couple cats that’s worth the visits.” -Aesop Rock

^In reference to that, it’s what I’m working on, but applying it to all things-not exclusively people.

Currently learning to simplify the things that are initially overwhelming. For change to occur, the mind must be decided and dedicated. It’s not an easy practice, but it’s a necessary one.  Subtlety can be powerful, and if certain individuals dismiss that, it’s alright.

People telling other people how to live/how to do things/

such a bummer.

The differences, on all terms are so vast, that to say that one should behave in the same way of another will be unjustified. Judgment is cruel, but is here to stay? It is impossible to defeat it? /contemplate/not sure/don’t need to know/blow it off.

“like” will decrease in all parts.

A majority of things will be paradoxical, but it will be embraced–neither in contentment nor utter confusion.

Grips and grasps will become tighter and looser.